I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
