Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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