ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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