my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
