Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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