Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
