Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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