i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
