Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
