Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
