just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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