You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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