Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
