I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
