my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I know her cup size but not her name....
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