Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
