I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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