i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
