Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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