The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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