Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
