so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
