Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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