You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
as a side note pls kill me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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