My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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