Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
