She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
