I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize