He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
