Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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