hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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