The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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