My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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