highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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