me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sorry about my life...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
