i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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