If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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