hotel room ftw
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
