You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
