You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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