I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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