Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
