this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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