At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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