u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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