I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We need a shit load of segways right now
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
