fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
