I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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