By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
