Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
