I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
