Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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