I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
should my penis look like a turkey
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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