Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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