my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
