3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
