just come out here and I will go home with you...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
