And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Houston, we have a squirter
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
