I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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