apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i will never coherently bang her
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
