just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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