What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize