Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
