Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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