What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
