sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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